Do you have an annoying co-worker? I suppose it must be being forced into a confined space for long hours, with people some of whom you normally wouldn't interact with socially, that makes it so easy to become annoyed with their slightest habits.

For example people who:

• Eat richter-scale snacks at their desks - with their mouths open.
• Talk too loudly on their phones - because they think they are impressing us with their wit.
• Whistling or hum along to the inane tunes in their heads.
• Slam draws and desk items - sending shocks up your spine like you wouldn't believe.
• Sigh, groan and moan to themselves.

So why can't we just tell these people to their faces? Personally I'm just not that brave, I know of someone (a contractor) who was let go for speaking up, under what was classed as "bullying", so I supposes it's better to just keep your head down and grit your teeth.

But I often find the best solution is not to get mad but get even:

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
• Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
• Insist that your e-mail address is "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
• Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
• Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
• Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
• Schedule meetings for 6:14 pm.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
• No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
• Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
• Grow mold in your coffee cup.
• Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
• Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
• When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get coffee.
• Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
• "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
• Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
• E-mail nude jpegs of yourself to your collegues. Tell them you got them off the Internet.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
• For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
• Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

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Tags: annoying, collegue, coworker, snacking, loud, sanity, humour